Mommyblog

Freaking out today

After reading an article last night in health.com about lawn care and being as "green" as one can, it has come to my attention that because I have started playing with the kids on the lawn, I need to be careful given that my whack-ado husband is lawn obsessed and uses all kinds of chemicals.

I just read that kids that are exposed to lawn chemicals like weed killer and fertilizer have a 6.5 percent higher chance of developing leukemia.


So, I cut out said article, stuck to husband's tea pot and told him to read it and change his ways. Now I just called him and read him an article on green lawns as well as sent a link with green products in it. I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. They've been all over my lawn for weeks!

Overheard on the Subway

Two girls, trendy, early 20s, maybe college students

Girl One :"She said that? Are you friends with her?"

Girl Two :"yeah"

Girl One: "Facebook friends?"

Girl Two :"No, not facebook friends"

Girl One :"Oh"

Assuming here that if you are facebook friends, you are serious?

Not sure.... am too old....must get back to my 80s music. On tape. Member those?

This is what my life sounded like at their age, ok, maybe a bit younger

Me: "I love him so"

Friend :"You do, don't you?"

Me :"Yes, I just want to go home and listen to the mixed tape he made me. He put LL Cool J's "I need love on it" you think that means he loves me?

Friend :"Totally"

Me at Jcrew

Me: I am returning this

Salesman: Ok, let me run this, and what might I say is the reason for the return

Me: It makes me look pregnant, no seriously, it looks like it's a maternity dress, and I already have two, and that's enough

Salesman: That's a new one, have to get that as a reason added onto our code list

Me: Please do, once women decide two is enough, they don't want to be reminded of maternity clothes.
Some even burn them.
True Story.

Salesman: Oh yeah? (while thinking to himself, this one is a REAL nutcase, now that's a code they should have)

Supermom Morning

Meg is sick.
When the kids get sick, it always wreaks extra havoc on your life.

Last night, I came home to find her lying limp on the floor moaning.
I decided it was best to take her to the pediatric emergency room, because I didn't want to go through another night of her being up, thinking she might puke and mommy thinking she might pass out if she doesn't get back to bed.

So -- with promises of hitting the toy store (white lie) off we went.
She caught on when she didn't see any bright lights or toys, but then she saw all the kids and got over it.
As I suspected, she had strep, they gave her some antibiotics and we went home.

We get home and I find my  husband lying limp on the floor and moaning. He's having some "bathroom and butt issues" use your imagination.
So he said I need to shower and change my pad (he's using my maxi pads, I kid you not)

I sigh and decide I don't want to know and shoo them both into bed.

Here's how this morning went.

8:00 am, I hop out of shower, put on Sesame Street for Jake and start to "get ready"
8:15 am my sister arrives (driven by my dad, who changes the plan of dropping off Meg's prescription for me, because he's running late)
8:30 I am backing out of the driveway, running to CVS to drop it off
8:35 I am back at the house, picking up Jake, who I've requested meet me outside and be shined up a bit
8:36 I am backing out of driveway and almost run over my sister who's run back to the car to ask me something

8:40 I throw kid number two into daycare facility and high tail it out of there, with a promise of calling later to explain

8:45 I am back at CVS picking up antibiotics telling the pharmacist about my morning. I believe he was judging me

8:47 I am at home giving the sister directions and saying bye to Meg
Directions went like this : Ok, she needs to take one of these right now, or when you can give it to her, common bribes can be but are not limited to promises of toys, any candy you find on top shelf of cabinet near fridge, cookies, cup of soda to wash it down, etc" if the said pill is too big, you can put it on a paper towel and try to cut it in half, or if you have a big tooth like me, crack it in half in your mouth and then transfer to her mouth"
Sister pauses and looks at me like I am nuts,
I realize what I just said and start to laugh so hard, a  little pee comes out

I continue "she can have whatever she wants for breakfast but try to give her a nutritious lunch, call you later gotta go"

I then run out of house for a 9:01 train and make it.

At this point it dawns on me, if this had been my husband it've gone like this

8:30 Sigh
8:35 Sigh and think "there's no way this can be done, I'll need to call in late"
8:40 Sigh again
8:45 Tell someone a funny story about your ass
8:50 Decide to go to CVS but first take out garbage and recycling
8:55 Decide garbage can needs hosing out
9:00 Still getting hose out of garage
9:05 Chat with neighbor about global warming and new car wash in town
9:15 Decide better get to CVS

You get the point.

My four year old teenager

Well Yesterday, I took the kids to Target. Or as I like to call it - Mecca. Seriously, other than putting food in my mouth or drinking wine, nothing makes me happier than an excuse to go to Target. I say excuse because I know when I walk through those doors, one hundred dollars are about to come out of my pocket, so I need to find real reasons to go there.
Like, I need diapers.

Or I need juice boxes

Or I need a new welcome mat

Or I need a tank top

Or I need a new book, a cd, a dvd, hey look it's on sale! don't I need a new lip gloss, etc, etc.

When it's on sale, it might as well be free in my book.

So, anyway, Meg asks for a radio for her room. Did I mention she's 4 and a half. She then proceeds to tell me "but Chloe has a radio" -- Chloe is her friend, my best friend's daughter, who she looks up to because she's six and really when you are four and someone is six, it's like they are the lead singer of U2 or Hannah Montanna. But anyway, I buy her a pink radio and then we go on to select two cds (High School Musical, and Kids Bop)

I take them home, put it on her dresser, plug it in and get the disk going.

She then promptly tells me  --  Now GO.
And I do.

I go on to make dinner, all the while not able to hear my radio in the kitchen because hers is BLARING from the other room.

I then know how my mom felt. And, I feel old.

Sometimes....I stress

So, this morning I had a 10 am meeting, which was big big big. I had to run it and I had the big bosses coming. Now, I can usually be at work at 9:30am if I have to with no problem, but you never know, with two kids and the LIRR which way the wind will blow.

And that wind, is exactly what happened to me this morning. At about 4am, the wind was WHIPPING through Long Island, making the windows shake as it also down poured rain. I knew this was not going to be good for the morning commute. I woke my husband and said "the train is going to be delayed"...he assumed I was still asleep, but no I was up and in full stress mode.

You see, if I don't make the 8:30 train and at my desk by 9:30, the next option doesn't have me getting in until after ten am, and that's not good for my meeting -- so I had to make it.
And, I very carefully planned for this morning to go smoothly.

I had ironed a nice dress (really, I hung it up in the bathroom to let the steam hit it so it'd get out any big kinks -- hey, who has time to iron anymore!)

I spent a good twenty minutes reviewing Meg's wardrobe with her, sitting on the floor of her room until my legs fell asleep and I had to grunt and groan to get up! But, all worth it if she was happy with what she was wearing the next day.

I bathed both children, so that in the morning they'd just need a spit shine, but all syrup, ketchup, chocolate smears, etc were off their bodies and out of their hair.

I ordered a wake up call from my husband for 7am and threated him with bodily harm if he missed it.

And after all of that meticulous planning....whammo, the weather gets me.

And, I was starting to finally feel good this week!
I found out a--I don't have breast cancer (always a nice way to start the week)
                    b--I found my driver's license in my bag and my husband never even knew it was missing
                    c--I got all of Meg's Kindergarten registration forms filled out ahead of time
AND

The biggest plus of all

MY GOD DAMN FREAKING EYE FINALLY STOPPED TWITCHING.

This was a record folks, it was a a good month of on and off , but DAILY twitching.

Valentine's Day

In a first time ever attempt to be ahead of a holiday, I bought some Valentine's day cards and chocolates for the husband. Meg had a grand time listening to all the new cards with music Hallmark puts out. She really wanted me to get him the chicken dance one, but I had to override her and get "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Baby" because really -- Barry White gets you in the mood anytime of the day or night.

In order to preserve my card's powerful mood setting abilities, I had to hide it so the husband didn't find it. I decided the best place to hide it would be the baby's box of diapers, since he'd never refill the basket where I keep them. I then decided that there was a whole host of potential places I could hide them.....like the sink where the dishes are...the dishwasher where the dishes are never loaded into, the dryer, where the clothes are never taken out of, the closet I keep the cleaning supplies, etc. etc.

I kept them in the diaper box, but it was funny to actually think I wouldn't have a spot, and that his laziness can sometimes be a plus!
If I ever have an affair, I know where to hide the proof!

hahahaah.

Not that I would -- EVER!

Top Ten Ways You Know Jen is Losing It

1--got home and drank wine right from bottle
2--proceeded to shove dark chocolate in mouth immediately after dinner
3--let kid number two eat blueberries and pretzels for dinner
4--let kids play with crayons in living room
5--let kids watch tv until they passed out
6--ate big ol box of oreos with milk as soon as they went to bed
7--cried about being bad mom
8--cried for poor kids
9-cried for my thighs and the oreos
10--then just cried some more for no apparent reason until I passed out

Last Night In My House….

 

On rare occasions, the husband will get caught up at work (aka he needs loads of beer and can’t deal) and I need to leave early and get the kids.

In someways, although stressful, it’s nice because I get a head start on the evening, I eat dinner before nine and I catch up with them and some housework.

Unless of course, say Jake grabs the placemat my RED wine is sitting on and flips it up in the air and it goes EVERYWHERE while simultaneously shattering the glass, then you might as well have come home from work at 8pm, because the clean up and wash that one needs to do after, not to mention, pulling shards of glass out of ones fingers, is really a time suck!

How was YOUR weekend?

Every Monday morning starts out the same way.
I have to get the kids up (yes, as in wake them up, they now LOVE to sleep, and they will continue to sleep until nine am, or ten am, even though last night they were both in bed by 8pm), deal with them being cranky, find matching shoes, socks and outfits, pack their bag of gear they need for the week and head out of the house so I can catch the train, as usual.

When I get to work, and see all my co-workers, everyone inevitably asks "How was your weekend?" To which I usually shake my head and say fine "How was YOUR weekend?" because really, they are single and I know they had a far better weekend than I did.

Want to bet?

Here's what we did:

Friday night the husband and I played "What's that smell?"
We got home and *something* in Jake's room stank to high heaven.
"It must be a dirty diaper" said the husband.... (I then had a vision of the kids taking one of the diapers I flung out of the room after changing and stashing it somewhere for later)
"No, it has to be sour milk, an old bottle" I said (which I then decided must also have mold and a small creature crawling out of it and must be thrown away at once (as soon as the husband wasn't looking))

We then proceeded to dissect his room to find the offensive odor.

Behind crib -- Seventeen binkies-- Nothing offensive
Behind couch -- Dust, a pair of socks and a few balls -- Nothing offensive
Behind changing table -- a Sponge (kitchen, not sex) a shoe, a horse, and a car
Sponge is assessed.
Not the offender.

Now came the closet, the tv, and this went on and on and on......

Until

Finally

The husband lifted the cover off the hamper and THERE WAS THE SMELL.

I had taken the bathroom baby washclothes and threw them all in his pail the night before in anticipation of doing nine loads of laundry, and maybe they should have dried first because -- DAMN.

And this concludes this week's "Wha -aht's that smell!?"

(check back tomorrow for a recap of Saturday)