Mommyblog

Restless

I've reached the point in my pregnancy where I am utterly bored with it.

I realized that at yet another family party this weekend where I got bombarded with the usual questions:

"do you know what you are having?"

"when are you due?"

"how do you feel?"

"do you feel boy or girl?"

"how do you think Meg will react?"

"what names do  you have picked?"

The answer to those questions are so rehearsed, I can barely utter them anymore.

"No, I don't know what I am having" (Then because I feel this may insult the other moms I know and am related to since about 80percent of moms find out the sex, I feel I must defend myself) ..."since we are having the scheduled C-section and all, I didn't want to know everything!". In reality I just kind of feel that you have the right to know it's healthy and anything else is selfish. Just my thoughts...

"I am due July 24th, I am having surgery on July 17th, unless my water breaks before then" I always always add that in case God is listening and spares me going through July. I kind of have hopes for a July 4th baby.

Next up is the "how do you feel?". That one especially annoys me coming from other moms.....as they should know. How I feel is fat, bloated, gassy, constipated, swollen, tired, full of hate for skinny people and my husband, and the non stop mother fucking heartburn is just a joy. Not to mention my skin is so itchy I want to pull it off and set it on fire and then stomp it out, then have all these extra skin growths burned off, while simutaneously pushing my belly button back in to where it belongs because god damm it hurts. Oh, and the leaking pee and having my underwear wet non stop is getting old.

But I ususally just smile and say "you know, pregnant".

Do I feel boy or girl? I feel alien. You can now SEE my stomach moving and it's been real pleasant when the kid kicks me on the inside of my vagina, or kicks my bladder. I also happen to love the stares I get lately. Men stare like they may have to deliver me at any given moment, older women are thinking "my god thank goodness I am past that" and some younger women are in awe while others think what I have is contagious.

How will Meg react? She'll hate it and I think she'll probably try to kill this child if ever left unattended with it. I mean, c'mon, right now she is the center of our universe. We are there to change her poops, have tea parties with her, help her rock her babies to sleep, read her the same books for the 800th time, make her all her favorite foods on demand and listen to her sing songs and talk all the live long day. How would you feel if this were no longer the case?

And then, there is the names. The all personal name question. Names mean different things to different people and conjure up all kinds of different connotations. Right now we like Sean Patrick for a boy, and that pisses my mother in law off because she thought she had patented rights to the name Sean (my husband's youngest brother). But it's truley the only name we both like for a boy. Girls names, don't even get me started. He thinks it's going to be Katherine because I liked Kate, but now I am in love with Ava, and the dumb ass thinks people will pronounce it "ahhhvahhh" I said "maybe if they are RETARDED they will ". Don't people know Ava is Ava?

Sheesh.

Don't even get me started.

Things I HATE about being pregnant

--Heartburn, especially the kind that wakes you up at 2am (WHO gets hearburn while they sleep?) and is so bad only PACING the floors seems to help.

--The heightened sense of smell which means I can smell someone's killer breath from a mile away, esp those who ride the LIRR and talk on their cells (GROSS)

--Constipation, esp when it feels like you are giving birth (also gross)

--Bleeding out your butt (from the last mentioned item) (ok, this is very very gross)

--Itchy, stretching skin feeling, feels like you are a balloon about to burst

--Seeing skinny people, esp in nice clothes.....I have on my Citizen pregnancy jeans today but it's not helping as my ass and thighs are huge

--Back pain

--Constant gas

--Feeling like you can only eat three bites at a time because your stomach which has actually MOVED is now sitting under  your ribcage and your torso just isn't big enough to host it all

--Sitting at your desk when you really want to lie down all day!

--Everyone asking you what sex it is (I DON'T KNOW)

--Everyone asking you when you are due and then saying "oh you have a way to go yet" F--off it's three months and one week away, July just sounds far away because it's still only 40 for some god forsaken reason .....

--Not being able to sleep because you are uncomfy and then coming to work and dealing with what seems like, a bunch of monkeys....

--Not being able to drink your worries away........

More to come, I am sure!

Mispronunciations.......

Some of the thinks Meg says lately are a trip, especially when she mispronounces everything.

Fortunately for me, I understand EVERYTHING she says and am often called in to translate for my parents or husband.

Here are some cute Meg-isms and their "translations"

biteman= Vitamin

Oap-a-meal= Oatmeal

Ice Pippies= Rice Krispies

Faffels= Waffles

Panpakes= Pancakes

Feshal Cream= Special Cream which is usually what she wants if she has some kind of diaper rash, and she lets us know that btw, by saying "my butt hurts, I need my feshal cream"

Bootiful= Beautiful

Ashuming= Presuming (this is in one of her songs from Annie "you're the most presuming dog....."

Papa= Pasta or Grandpa, depending on the context

Boos Boos= Blues Clues

Home Pido= Home Depot

I participate in the above mispronunciations, letting her call stuff whatever she wants and sometimes making her repeat stuff, because it's like a damn cute machine, you tell her what to say it comes out cute. My husband on the other hand is very into sounding stuff out and making her say it the right way. Sometimes he wins, but there is no way she's saying Ice Pippies correctly! I love it.

Multiple Choice Question

Here's a good one for you. It's a real stumper.

You and your toddler have just enjoyed a bowl of Haagen-Daaz chocolate ice cream. Though she is wearing a white t-shirt, you put the largest bib you could find on her to minimize stains. You are proud of this decision and you move on to the ice cream eating.

After she is done, and has sipped what has melted out of the bowl, you reach for the paper towels to clean her, and the high chair tray.

Now here's the tricky part.

There is a pool of spilled ice cream on the tray. There is ice cream all over her mouth, nose and hands.

What do you wipe first?

a--her face

b--her hands

c--the ice cream on the high chair tray

I think most moms would go with (a) since seeing your child with stuff on his or her face is enough to drive most moms crazy.

In fact, I went with (a). But the correct answer, believe it or not is (c) and then quickly cut to (b).

Here's why:

Mommy gets paper towels, one wet, one dry. Toddler assesses pool of ice cream. Mommy starts wiping her mouth and nose giving toddler time to think about said pool and her free hands. Toddler goes for the pool smears it everywhere. Mommy thinks "aack, I should have gone for the pool" and is tricked by the toddler into now cleaning the high chair tray. But WAIT! HER HANDS ARE NOW A STICKY MESS. She decides that mommy has taken too long and she must wipe them on her own, proceeds to reach up under her large bib and wipes them right on her crisp new white t-shirt.

I told you that was a rough one.

That'll learn me!

Last night in my house

Let me set the scene. We have just finished dinner. The husband is reading the newspaper, the Meg-ster is running around the house with a bag of goldfish crackers that all kids love so much, and I decide that I can run to the bathroom.

I am on the toilet and am midstream (my mom asked why I have to go into details like this, but I want it to be clear that I wasn't plucking my eyebrows, popping a zit or doing lots of other things one can do in the bathroom, I was actually "going")....when I heard the sound of some rumbling and something that sounded like it was hitting the floor.

I quickly realize that Meg must be taking out fishies by the handful and throwing them on the floor. I can hear this from two rooms and a hallway away, while my husband, who is in ear sight, eye sight and heck, is practically on top of her, doesn't seem to respond. After the second rumbling around, I scream "Honey, Meg is throwing goldfish on the floor"

I then hear him say "Meg, give me that"...followed by her quick pitter patter run and some screaming.

Then silence.

I scream "what was she doing?"

He responds "throwing goldfish"

I come out of the bathroom to find the two of them crouched down on the floor, he is picking up the fish and putting them back in the bag, and she is eating them off of the floor.

Not sure who to stop first, I just stand there and look at the scene, as Meg reaches under the garbage can and pulls one out and before both of us could stop her, she's chomping away on it.

Priceless.

Interview with a Toddler

The following interview was conducted between myself (Mommy) and the toddler (Meg) just this week.

Mommy: Hi there, thanks for doing this, mommies everywhere need this kind of insight that you may be able to provide

Meg: No problem, just hurry it along, I have the attention span of a fly.

Mommy: (laughing) Ok, will do. First question:Why do you think toddlers hate going to bed so much?

Meg: Well Mommy, it's not that we hate going to bed, it's that we hate being away from the world. See, now that we are old enough to understand the world and can even communicate with it, we want to practice and try it out all the time. You can never be too young to learn new things!

Mommy: I see, makes total sense. Why is it then that you name stuff in your own language when we are clearly saying something different?

Meg: Well, it would be unfair for mommies to expect otherwise. We may be quick learners but we don't know and can't say EVERYTHING!

Mommy: The tantrums. What are they about and why can't you stop yourself from thrashing about while in the midst of one?

Meg: That question makes me want to have one right now! Next!

Mommy: Alrighty, moving on to food now...why is it that you may love something one day, and then the next day you look at it like it may be rat poison? Is there an unwritten "only eat something once" rule that toddlers everywhere abide by?

Meg: Now Mommy, that would be like saying we are out to conspire against you. We change our minds, no biggie, roll with it!

Mommy: Ok ok, so forget about the food, why do you prefer Mommy over Daddy, especially when Mommy is trying to pee, or take a shower or maybe, I don't know get earrings on before leaving the house?

Meg: Well, that's an easy one...Daddies pinch us when no one is looking and it hurts so we prefer Mommy.

Mommy: That makes perfect sense! Thanks...and to conclude, I have one big question on the minds of Mommies everwhere.....what is the big deal about the "binky"?

Meg: That one is just a Toddler Thang, and you just wouldn't understand!

Linda Blair

I have heard that toddlers enter into this stage called "the terrible twos". I thought that either I had the sweetest child in the world, or it just hadn't started yet. Nonetheless, I was enjoying life, or looking back now, I wish it were Thursday.

Friday night, Meg would NOT go to bed. Her father, the weak of heart, let her out of the crib because her cries for "mommy" were so desparate.

When we hit 11pm, I knew this was it, she had to go in for good. However, she got to me too and I let her out again only to watch her writhe around on the floor kicking and screaming for a good fifteen minutes. I can only say, that the scene that came to mind was the one from the Exorcist. She managed to kick herself around the room flipping over and over and screaming and I kept thinking "when is her head going to turn completely around"?

Eventually, she kicked out into the hall and then passed out. I wasn't quite sure what to do, so I left here there for a bit, stepping over her to use the bathroom, until I was sure that she was in a deep sleep.

Convinced it was an "off night" --since my angel usually says goodnight to us and kisses us every evening and then lovingly goes into her crib where she can't wait to get to sleep, I tried not to think about it. Until we got dangerously close to it both Saturday and Sunday night.

Now, I long for the "easier" days and I think that the terrible two's may be beginning.

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Ten things I lied to my husband about -- recently

1. Her Christening dress only cost 200.00.
(It was actually 280.00, plus 20.00 for the shoes, and 12.00 for the bib.)


2. I promise to sell her Christening dress on e-bay after the blessed event.
(I can't bear to part with it, so instead it hangs in her closet. I often go in and just look at it, it's so darn pretty.)


3. I paid that parking ticket forever ago.
(See previous post http://megandmommy.blogspot.com/2005/06/kids-are-costly.html)


4. The party we have to go to on Saturday starts at 2:00pm
(It actually starts at 3, but he's always running late)


5. I had to buy her a new dress for the party because she's outgrowing all of the other ones she has.
(I don't like any of them anymore)


6. The dress was only 9.99 and I had a ten percent off coupon!
(Why I threw in the coupon part, I have no idea...otherwise that one could have been lie-free. I think I am just used to taking 30percent off of all purchase prices)


7. I don't hate your sister-in-law. I just find her challenging.
(I never stop talking about how much I loathe and detest her to all of my friends, my sister, people on the train, my co-workers and anyone in the doctor's office waiting room)


8. (About my new tank top) "It's actuall a camisol to wear under other shirts". (Not true, I will wear it solo)


9. I did't tell your mom about our last fight.
(I tell her about all of them, and she tells me how to deal with him since he is EXACTLY like his father.)
(Except if any of them have anything to do with S-E-X, cause that's just weird.)


10. I am NOT high maintenance!

My House In the Middle of the Week.....

Here’s what my house looks like right now (living with one 18-month-old girl, Meg, and one husband):


There is a shiny new potty in my bedroom -- not the bathroom -- because Meg dragged it into my room and left it. Same with the box the potty came in. Same with the stickers that came with the potty to encourage training.


The shoes I didn’t wear today are in the middle of the hall because she insisted on tapping around in them this morning because they make so much noise on the wood floors. Speaking of shoes, four pairs of her shoes are on the floor of her room. (Yes, my baby girl is shoe obsessed!) Also there? Her pants, pjs, some socks, several stuffed animals and a pile of clean clothes which, for some reason, she decided not to disseminate through the house - YET. Oh, and did I mention two diapers? One clean, one dirty – one big mess!


On the counter in the kitchen is a cough medicine bottle (mine) and just outside the kitchen on the floor is its box (hers), crushed because someone stepped on it (husband). On the kitchen floor is smashed chicken, a few corn kernels and small piece of melon (otherwise know as “what we had for dinner”). There are several pots scattered on the floor where she “cooked” and several on the stove where I “cooked." Also on the floor is an empty milk container, which she was playing with -- and which, for some reason, I keep stepping over instead of picking up. (Note to self: Am I turning into a male? Ponder when have free time.) All the kitchen cabinets are open (think Poltergeist), as well as the microwave door, which gives a great view of all the dried-out, stuck-on little peas inside. Yum.


I think there is a binky (pacifier) on the floor in every room, as well as a sippy cup. God I hope I find the one with the milk from this morning before she does -- it’s surely sour by now.


The garbage is overflowing and the lid is just hanging on -- but it may not be able to keep up that commitment much longer. My front door is open, and there is mail, mostly junk mail, on the floor next to the door. In a half-hearted attempt to “clean” the other night, the broom sits nicely in the corner. I think the phone rang and I never got back that way.


In the dining room we have every jacket my husband has ever owned on the back of one of the chairs, and her jacket is on the floor (glad I just ran it through the wash). My jacket from today only is also on one of the chairs (I am guilty too, but at least it’s just one, and I did just come in). We basically have a multi-jacket stacking thing going on. That hall closet is really coming in handy!


There are several cups with water throughout the house, very reminiscent of the movie Signs, because I keep forgetting that I poured one and then I pour another one and… Well, you get the idea. I find some comfort in the fact that if water-repulsed aliens ever attack, we’ve got a chance.


There are two naked baby dolls on the living room floor -- one is wearing one of Meg’s old baby shoes (there’s that obsession again) and the carriage is toppled over like there was some horrific accident. Legos are scattered about, and boy do they hurt when stepped on barefoot. (Consider this your warning!)


Two horror movie references and it’s only Wednesday! We usually reach peak chaos by Friday.