Mommyblog

"How to potty train when you are a working mother of two"

Tuesday morning. 7:45am. Take Jake out of crib to change his diaper and clothes for the day.
Need to be out of house in exactly 15 minutes.

Jake has a dry diaper. I know that if I close it and dress him, he will pee in about one minute and I've also just noticed there are no baby wipes to be seen anywhere in his room.

Mommy needs to improvise and fast.

Mommy takes 2.5 yr old, who refuses to potty train and is naked into the bathroom. He is seated on the small potty and is held down by Mommy who then proceeds to talk him through peeing as she forcefully keeps him seated on the potty. Except talking him through is more like bribing him through. Everything under the sun is offered until she strikes gold.

Chocolate bunny.

Peeing commences.
It's wonderfully flowing pee, great peeing, lots of peeing. Mommy is pleased. Mommy can then wipe him with toilet paper, though she's still not sure if boys do that.

Diaper is then put on. Chocolate bunny is handed out.

The potty training door has been cracked open.

Pretty sure these methods are not in any book anywhere.

Tooth Fairies And Infinite Sadness

Tonight, I had the pleasure of playing the role of tooth fairy.

After a long day of tears, uneasiness and not a lot being eaten, the darn thing finally came out.

Five dollars later, I am thinking in a melancholy way about my kids. They are no longer babies.

This makes me sad and it makes my arms ache. While it's a wonderful thing to watch them grow, and talk and walk and ask all sorts of questions, my  heart also aches for the sadness and unfairness in the world that they are about to experience.

Benjamin Button

Just came back from seeing The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

Here's my synopsis:

That man is the most perfect specimen and I would sit through five more hours of boring to watch him again.

Well, maybe.

Buying a comb

My husband turns to me the other day and says "I think we should get Meg a comb, it'll be better for her fine hair, you know a wide kind of one"

To which I looked at him in bewilderment.

He said "why the look?"

I said: "I don't know, I am kind of busy working, and monitoring how many chemicals are going into their bodies as well as when their next doctor appointments are, when homework and special projects are due as well as class trip funds. When I am not doing that, I am watching how many times they poop per week and if it's low I give them more fruit. Add to that the inventory my head monitoring how many diapers are left, how many wipes are left and if we can make it to Friday with the clean clothes we have on hand. So, maybe you can pick up a comb?"

I'm just saying.....

Last night I had the strangest dream

The economy, house foreclosures, my job security, my husband's job security and Kindergarten, have all been weighing on me lately and coming out in my subconscious.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in Kindergarten but I was Meaghan, and someone came into the room unannounced and the teacher kind of let this person speak.

This seemed totally unplanned by anyone, and the teacher had certainly not prepared us for this.
It turns out this person was handing out pink slips, quite literally, they called the kids names and made them leave Kindergarten. Kids were crying, it was a mess.

Skidmarks

This morning, like every morning, was stressful and down to the wire on timing.
Seems like no matter how hard I prep the night before, with two kids, anything can and will happen.

Meg went to the potty after she was already dressed. She had on clean underwear from the night before, so I just changed her out of her pjs and into  her school clothes.

Now, she tends to have a little problem with wiping, so sometimes I assist.

Today was no different. She peed, started wiping and I was assisting,  when we both noticed her underwear seemed discolored in a skidmark kind of way.
Well I bent down an stuck my head in there to get a better look because god damn it, I know I am a good wiper and I am especially a good shit wiper, in fact I have been known to do a wet wipe and follow up with a dry wipe to make extra sure knowing all the while that an underwear change would also set us back.

But no, it was just a stain from when her father was watching her and didn't wipe her, so though a tad gross, the coast was clear,  and we went about our day.

Nothing like some good skidmark assessment to start a Thursday!

 

Sometimes....

I wonder if I had a stroke.

Good example-
Meg starts Kindergarten on Wednesday. I had all these thoughts based on what people told me such as a meet the teacher day, dry bus run day, etc. Now, it's  a few business days before her first day and nothing is planned or has been mailed out to me.

So since I was waiting for some big event, I slacked a bit on forms and immunizations and the such.

Not that these papers haven't been in my possession for, oh about four months, but last night at 10:30pm, while trying to listen to Joe Biden tell me why he's good for the country, I am filling stuff out and deciding on emergency contacts and the such.

Oh, AND, after a not so nice call from the school nurse, I also learned I had to get my shit in asap or big threats, no education, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah

These are the times that I wonder, "when did you think this shit was due?" and then "did I have a stroke?"

I swear, if I put half as much thought into real life events as I do say "how will I update my fall wardrobe?" I'd be a superstar!

When will I ever learn?: A guide to rookie mistakes by one mom.

As a parent, you can sometimes get excited and hyped up about something, only to have your child act in the opposite manner.

My first example of this was the day I bought Meg one of those backyard houses. They are basically a little playhouse that sits in the yard.

I thought she’d go ape shit over it and at the time, she was 2.5 and instead goes ape-shit over the bikini-hand-me-down we received that day and wanted to put it on instantly even though it was two sizes too big, and when I wouldn’t let her, refused to go in the yard to see the house.

When I let her put it on, so I could get her outside, she looks at the house and then continues to whine over why I wouldn’t let her put it on in the first place.

 Also ape-shit worthy : empty paper towel holders, toilet paper, dum dum lollipops,  bubbles,  tissue paper and glue, construction paper pad, pencils with hearts on them, allowing her to sharpen her own pencil and cleaning up a spill with paper towels.

The above list, I learned after some time, however, I still continue from time to time, to make “rookie mistakes”.

 
See, we think as parents that buying a big ticket item or doing something over the top with them is going to be GRAND but in reality, there’s nothing better in life than letting them run around the house with a roll of toilet paper.

 
When will I learn?

Case in point, we took her to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. Tickets set us back a good 500 dollars. Big excitement came when the usher gave us a cushion she could sit on and when she got Skittles at intermission.

Second case, I buy her a Nintendo DS, against my better judgement, for her pre-school graduation and she cast it aside because I had the “wrong game” and instead played with a 1.00 inflatable beach ball for a good few hours that says “Class of 2008” on it.

 
Rookie mistakes, I tell you.

These kids...

On Wednesday, we had to bring the Megster over for Kindergarten Screening, where they make sure she's upto snuff.

They took her into a room, I had to wait outside and they asked her a bunch of questions.
We then went down to another room where she had a "speech evaluation".
Of course, this all makes me very nervous, and I coached her for a good week on making sure she knew her basics(name, phone number, address, and that beer and wine should not be mentioned at any cost during the interview). Hell, that morning I even gave her face an extra squeaky cleaning, then did another spit cleaning before we entered the building. And, as an added bonus I MADE SURE SHE HAD UNDERWEAR ON.

Since clothes are such an issue in my home, we are sometimes sans the undergarments.

After we got out of the building, I was curious to know what they asked her, and because she's so smart and can sense that, I knew I had to ask this very delicately.

After about ten minutes of "did they ask this question" and her response of "no" I finally just said "Fine, what DID they ask you"

She replied "I am too tired to tell you right now"

Since I am trying to "let go more" I said very merrily "Ok, maybe you will tell me later after a nice rest"

To which she replied "Later....I won't remember".

Now is when I thank my lucky stars that my second child, is a laid back easy going mamma loving boy.
Who must have sensed my need for him to be as wonderful as he usually is and he turned on me.
That little sweet Sesame Street loving boy -- completely -- and utterly -- TURNED ON ME.

How, you ask?

He was getting ready for bed last night, when I could not locate his binky. I didn't panic. In fact, I had a whole stash of "old binkes" in my dresser drawer. I smugly went to get one, all the while patting myself on the back for being so intelligent, prepared and an all around good mother.

I bring over this new binky and exclaim "here you go sweetie".
Jake took it, examined it, crossed his eyebrows and threw it clear across the room.

Now, I started to sweat a bit.

I went and retrieved another one, different color, hoping this would work.

He threw that one at me more as if to say "let's face it bitch, I know these are not the ones I prefer so your little jig is up".

I put him in the crib and walked away.

An hour later, the screaming stopped, but too be sure, I crept into his room, he was sound asleep. I put the two thrown binkies next to his head, thinking if he needed it middle of the night, he'd forget all about this little earlier incident and just happily take it.

Around midnight, I was able to test that theory.
I actually saw him wake up, reach for it, get pissed off, stand up and throw them across the room, not even fully awake.

Now, he went back to sleep, thank god, but at 6am, I was not as lucky.
He was up, pissed off and having NO PART OF THESE BINKIES.

I think....the two of them are in co-hoots again. I just can't PROVE it.

Freaking out today

After reading an article last night in health.com about lawn care and being as "green" as one can, it has come to my attention that because I have started playing with the kids on the lawn, I need to be careful given that my whack-ado husband is lawn obsessed and uses all kinds of chemicals.

I just read that kids that are exposed to lawn chemicals like weed killer and fertilizer have a 6.5 percent higher chance of developing leukemia.


So, I cut out said article, stuck to husband's tea pot and told him to read it and change his ways. Now I just called him and read him an article on green lawns as well as sent a link with green products in it. I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. They've been all over my lawn for weeks!